August 31, 2020
End of the month already! Maybe I just needed the distraction. Maybe I run back to him when I’m overwhelmed. I got through it, dropping Alex off at school, letting my baby go. I feel like I was always there for him and he was never there for me. He texted me he was “heartbroken”. I don’t see how that’s possible. I really don’t. And I don’t feel the same about him as I once did. He’s let me down so much. It’s all about him him him. All the fucking time. Never about what I need. Or what I want. I know what I get if I stay, more confused, more hurt. More feeling like I don’t matter or I’m not important. A lifetime of it. And it’s time to let go. It’s time to be free and live my life. He doesn’t want me, he just doesn’t want to be the one that I left. It bothers him I decided to end it. My class starts today and I have to buckle down and focus. I found a second job which will help me and not be stressful. I can manage. I’m doing it. I painted Chloe’s room with her yesterday. I’m holding myself accountable right now. Being the best mom I can be. It hasn’t been an easy road and I need peace in my life.
No that road was not easy, but notice I didn’t ask any questions in that journal entry and came to a full stop on many of my personal declarations. That wasn’t unintentional even back then. I only ask questions I am ready and willing to hear the answer to.
I did find peace when I realized I am the peace, I am the magic, I am the problem and I am capable of coming up with every solution.
Let go or be dragged.
It’s hard, no actually it’s painful for me to read this journal entry. It’s even harder to admit I would do it all again to land here, not only at home, also at home with myself and here on Substack four years later. I don’t even wish anymore that my world wasn’t flipped completely upside down in 2020, I’m better for it even if it did feel a little painful. Ha painful, what an understatement, but for me pain ceased feeling like pain, these days it always feels like growth and I am here for it.
What is darkness for millions will always be my light. This fact I am sorry for, but know there is nothing I can do to change what happened, I can only change and accept myself and my role.
Today I sat down to pen a back to school message, mostly for the asshole driver speeding through the Target parking lot who almost plowed into me then into a family. I resisted what was a strong and primal urge to throw myself on the hood of her car and smash her windshield with my fists. Fortunately I just kept walking and I’m sure my resting bitch glare willed her to slow down and I was satisfied she chose to slow down.
Of course I’m okay, I’m always okay inside. Don’t worry about me and what is my high and painful level of awareness. Worry more about yourself for wondering about me. It would not be okay for me to act on this impulse. It would also not be okay for me to run off and live in the woods rather than deal with my own shit. Trust me there’s a solid amount to deal with, there always is.
Most of you will not ever comprehend what was the absolute hell of working in a hospital and through a pandemic in the year 2020. Believe me it was a pandemic, maybe not from where you’re sitting, but it absolutely was from where I stood. Of course I feel personally victimized, gaslit even by every conspiracy theory, but that’s my issue and I’d rather not sort through the lies and destruction or examine the root causes just yet. I don’t need you to understand or apologize for what has always been for me a career choice and calling from day one. I also don’t ever lower myself down to argue with strangers on the internet when it’s clear we don’t share the same level of awareness; and I certainly know we all have a very different personal lens.
This is simply my story.
Those of us who did walk through that hell and broke out on the other side, know for certain that the only way out is to go through. There is no going back for me, not ever. I have a lot of love for the girl I once was, but I wouldn’t trade places with her not for a minute unless it was to slap her. I wouldn’t erase a single one of my memories even if I do sometimes wish this cinematic like memory of mine wasn’t so damn vivid.
More facts.
Now please go hug your children for me, mine are much older now. I got sent to Target on a goddamn holiday weekend to pick up four folders and a box of pencils. (School starts in a few days here in the Garden State.) Although I’m happy I raised my children to be less dependent on material things, it sucks to be back to school shopping without my youngest who’s about to start his junior year of high school. As if that wasn’t bad enough I watched a mother argue with her teenager doppelganger all the way back to their car, four hands thrown in the air in total exasperation on both sides. I sat and watched the drama unfold and only wished they would hurry up and walk in a straight line, but mothers and daughters never do, at least not in my family.
For now I’m choosing to love a lot of people in my life from a distance which is strictly for my own benefit and I’m not ever sorry for this. I continue to process a lifetime of trauma in my own way, in a variety of ways and writing has always been one of them. I always remind myself I’m a healthcare professional, albeit a painfully aware one, but one who knows how and when she needs to help herself.
Then I remind myself that the word heal, unlike the word love, is always a verb and recovery from anything is always an active process. When used in the present tense, it requires work, dedication and action, always more grace and some patience. By the way I would never again claim to be healed, nor would I use the word broken to describe myself, it’s actually quite the opposite—
I am unbroken.
I’ll let you know if I transcend fully, but don’t hold your breath. Sometimes even I have to remind myself that our words are so powerful; they can always be used as weapons, daggers and deflectors. Conversely our words are always mirrors and windows offering us tiny glimpses into our deepest desires, fears and intentions. Our words are only ever meaningless or lack power when spoken from ignorant tongues and carelessly spit from the mouths of those who cannot handle their truth.
Now in the name of all that is holy, please slow down before you miss something important.
Sat Nam
P.S. Nurses love sticky notes. Happy last Saturday in August 🩷
Infomative
Oh, I loved this one. 2020 was when my world broke apart and now I'm living a much improved life.
I have never been to Asseteague, which is a shame because I live in Virginia. Guess I'd better add it to my bucket list!